IN REPAIR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8NXO7HUPk4&sns=em

Hear me out, I am not without faults!

Seriously! Around last month, i saw 2 FB profiles of people related to me..of which, and whom...in my younger foolish days, retaliated...to what they did to me...years ago, ive gone to them and explained myself both in writing and in person. To my terrifying surprise...well, i acted in retaliation, im not saying its ok, but it kinda kills me when they dont see that what they did was not very nice either. I retaliated, and i was standing up for myself, but yeah..

And around last month too, i thought friendship can take a really strange turning..i was so down and all i wanted at the time was my gift from imre and those damn chocolate cuz the children have been asking about them!! Apparently a trip to the post office to send the package, is too demanding, and the next thing i knew is Im the 'not a good friend' who only wanted my my my my stuff!

Wait a minute...WHATTTT???
Tonight im telling you, youre not all right, and im not entirely wrong...i certainly hope that we learn something from this..
...and that when youre wrong, youre wrong!

Ive lost it

Well right this very second, i feel like ive lost interest in everything. Here i go again. It has been countless times that ive tried writing down what i feel, again im feeling like its going to happen again. Would writing about the frustration become an embarrassment to myself? Cuz i keep thinking "what would they say" "what would they think?"

Im definitely feeling like a failed mother, lets (try) start with that. Oh boy, i would like to be as detailed and analytical as prema, but im such a mess, i just want to be able to extract, one by one, all the commotion in my chest - that way, i believe, would help me to identify and prioritize....so they say

But whats to prioritize? I need to get my health issue sorted out! And yes, everytime for the past few years, when i decided to take some kind of action, go for the surgery, something managed to just.....crawled in and 'changed' the whole plan! This time, AGAIN, it looks like its about to happen again. Then it got me thinking, is this Gods way of trying to to tell me to forget surgery? You know what i mean! No really, THAT got me thinking IT! LOL, ok..well at least theres still a tiny bit of humor left in me....  ive never been keen on surgery. Its a very risky surgery then, with only the cervical area to worry about, its even riskier now with all 3 departments involved. The lumbar area is whats killing me right now. It hurts. It hurts that so much so, it is able to change my mind about the surgery.

Ive been faced with this..., so I go with the surgery - its not a success....and i become paraplagic? Then? The children? As it is, to actually decide to go ahead with the surgery....let me rephrase that, theres no one to look after them, when i am still in the hospital. We are nowhere near any relatives. The dad is in the same situation as hes been many times before. Yea, as im writing this, im convinced that God is showing me signs...that surgery may not be a thing i should do now, yet...  dont you think? Dont you think that Hes 'telling' me something? No, no..im not trying to chicken out...im really ready!

Yea, the failed mother bit! I hate that i cant do much with my children nowadays.
One down, more to go...

Premas blog  http://mybeautifulaffair.blogspot.com/

I Do Know You..

The other night
When I turned
Tossed in bed
I feel you
Youre here, near
I always do
Its just you

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Who am I kidding

...its not over
...it still feels the same

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